Losing a Friend
My eldest daughter made a great friend at daycare when she started attending last year. They're best friends according to the teachers, and while they will quarrel over things they always go back to playing together again. Apparently her friend talks about my daughter all the time. My daughter will often call me by her friend's name by accident -- a testament to how much they play together. Unfortunately, her best friend is also moving away permanently in a month.
We've told her about it to try and prep her for the change. Since then she's sort of doubled down on talking about her bff. Most mornings she vocalizes that she's excited to see her at daycare, and every night before bed she'll say she wants to play with her. I feel so sad and anxious for her.
It got me thinking about all the friends I've lost.
The one from 5th grade hurts a lot. That summer we spent every day together for weeks. One day, they were just gone. I only found out months later they had moved away.
One friendship I lost fills me with guilt, because I only showed up when he was gone. I'm not sure if it was the truth, but his mom told me that my drawings in middle school had inspired him to take art classes. We weren't close, but I often ask myself why not. It reminds me of my skewed values when I was younger.
In another, I regret not sharing more of what I was thinking and feeling because I was afraid of a confrontation. They wanted more from my side of the friendship, but I had been afraid of aspects of their personality that engaged in confrontation. Instead of being honest, I thought to give them space. They used that space to cut me out completely.
I don't think much of the friends that showed they were inconsiderate and selfish. Those can continue to sink deeper in to the past.
Some relationships can feel like the bonds are loosening, like it's being held by a couple of ropes tied together. I try to check in on those every once in awhile, attempting to re-tie some knots in hopes that they'll still be there when life's journey brings me closer again.
Relationships, especially friendships, leave such an impression on our lives. They can fill it with joy one moment and then be the source of melancholy the next.
Then there are friendships that were lost or faded, but somehow found again. Those are amazing to experience. We were heading our separate ways, but someone was willing to tug on a line and pull. Those can have their own unique feeling, like a sense of relief. "We remembered each other". This is what I hope is possible for my daughter and her best friend. I'm sure they'll each go off and make new friends quickly, especially at this stage of their lives. But maybe, if they want, they'll find each other again.